The Oscar nominated film “Boyhood” reveals many things. One the surface, it’s a coming of age story with a young boy navigating childhood to adolescence and beyond. But more importantly, it underscores that a broken home does not equate to a poor environment for a child to grow and flourish.
Patricia Arquette’s Oscar nominated role as a hard working and loving single mother who betters herself with higher education – and her two children’s future – shows that non-traditional two parent families can be as successful as the ideal two parent model.
Her relationship with the childrens’ father is one of respect and eventually a friendship, as the two (though divorced) work in tandem to always be there in shifts for their children.
A new Pew research study reveals that less than half of U.S. kids today live in a ‘traditional’ family unit of a married mother and father. According to the Pew study, only 46% of U.S. kids younger than 18 years of age are living in a home with two married heterosexual parents in their first marriage.
Some traditional conservatives often use this fact of the shifting changes in society to explain negative behaviors, outright delinquency and failing test scores, as just not long ago, in 1960, 73% of children were in the traditional home scenario.
Today we have same sex marriages, single parents and a host of less than conventional home configurations. Yet educational and psychology expert Dr. Gail Gross, a contributor to CNN, FOX’s The O’Reilly Factor, The New York Times and USA Today, says, “We have to get real and deal with what we have now, and it doesn’t matter what the ‘family’ structure is, if four key things are being provided to the child.”
The old “ideal” of married couples is no longer the norm and it does not look like the future will revert to the past. Dr. Gross, who advises parents, schools and the media on a range of childhood education and emotional issues, says that we need to “support these new families, whatever their configuration.”
Dr. Gross is a nationally recognized expert, author and lecturer on child education and development issues. She received a B.S. in education and psychology and an Ed.D. in education, curriculum and instruction from the University of Houston. She earned her master’s degree in secondary education with a focus in psychology from the University of St. Thomas in Houston. A dependable authority and former teacher,, Dr. Gross is frequently called upon by national and regional media to offer her insight on topics involving family relationships, education, and behavior issues.
The Pew study also shares metrics on Americans who are delaying marriage, remarrying and for some, even foregoing it altogether. At one time in history, children born outside of marriage were referred to as “illegitimate.” . Today, children born to unmarried people are now at 41%, up from just 5% in 1960. It’s also clear that in the longer term, the share of people who have been previously married is rising, as is remarriage.
In spite of these changing societal “norms” — whether a child is living with an unmarried parent, two cohabiting parents, two same-sex parents, grandparents or is in foster care — Dr. Gross stresses that children can thrive and succeed if four fundamental needs are met:
1. Safety
Dr. Gross says, “Children need to feel safe.” Children learn to feel safe when they recognize and feel love and emotional support from their parents. Showing concern and compassion helps them grow up to be stable, caring, healthy and independent adults. She elaborated on instilling a sense of safety with ParenthoodPlace.com:
Children who have experienced trauma such as divorce or death in their history may become especially anxious at this time. They need extra reassurance both verbally and physically. Never discount your children’s feelings and be very generous with your hugs.
Children look to parents for protection and the parent that is dealing with their own anxiety must not burden their children with escalating scenarios. If necessary, the parents should reach out for professional help to guide and support them as well as their children.
It is vital that parents are honest and authentic with their children about current real world external situations. However, it is equally important to give age-appropriate information. Put it in context and communicate with your child in a responsible way. By listening and talking, parents can diffuse rumors and share what children are hearing in school as well as in the media. Parents must parent, and this requires parents to monitor younger children in relation to their media exposure.
Remember – young children may regress into separation and attachment-anxiety, while older children may display aggressive behavior, all in an effort to lower their anxiety in relation to their stress. When children feel secure with an adult, they are more uninhibited and therefore may express their anger more freely. Parents can give emotional support by reinstating a sense of stability and calm. Parents should be reliable and empathetic. Now is the time to act as an adult and be careful not to burden your children with your own fears.
2. Providing Obvious Basic Needs
It should go without saying that children need good clean food, clothing, and living spaces to flourish. Certainly a child does best in a calm and stable home, where respect for each other and love are the norm, but as Dr. Gross says, “Basic physical needs include the obvious, the biological need for food, water, air and sleep must be met before any others. As a parent or guardian, you can meet your child’s physical and biological needs by providing nutritious and healthy food, mitigating stress, a regular sleep routine, cleanliness with baths or showers, health with regular medical and dental checkups, and making sure your child gets enough exercise to remain physically fit.”
3. Being Loved
Love and the act of loving are learned reactions and processes. Children are born without knowing how to love. When some children are denied love, they wither and die. Some others grow up with disturbed personalities. Dr. Gross tells M&C that children need emotional reassurance and affection. Expressing consistent emotional support and love lets children know that they are loved and gives them a sense of belonging. Our adult examples of being a role model with others and showing love will greatly impact a child and their future relationships, while instilling a sense of self-worth and value. We show them how to get along with other human beings as we show affection and by our actions. The gift of unconditional love, physical affection with hugs, kisses or pats on the back are invaluable in helping to “build” a healthy child into a successful, thriving adult.
4. Need to be culturalized, socialized
We want our children to be independent, successful adults. They need the foundation at home for knowledge and self-actualization, the freedom and environment to “become” what they want to be or to do in their life. A child needs to learn social skills, understand respect and hierarchy in society, including basic civics knowledge as well as ideally sports and religious schooling for moral guidance. You can help your child gain knowledge and self esteem by rewarding them for critical thinking when they ask questions, and support their interests. Help your child with homework, play educational games with and read to them. Share interests with your child, whether they be art, music, film, theater, reading, sports or outdoor activities. Involve them in decision making when it is appropriate.
Dr. Gross has offered parents common sense and valuable advice in her HuffPo column:
“Know the rules and teach your children how to act under all circumstances. Then, help them by practicing and rehearsing with them, so that their responses and reactions become second nature. Confidence leads to self-competence. All too often, your children miss the opportunity to experience what you teach them on a theoretical level. It is important to practice and rehearse the skills needed for leadership at home, in private, so that your child can call upon those skills in real-life situations. Sports, scouts and enrichment activities such as reading, writing, drama clubs and group activities of all kinds are ways to help teach your child the successful relationship behaviors that build competency.”
Dr. Gross’ soon-to-be second book, “Build Your Baby’s Brain,” teaches parents how to enhance a child’s learning potential through various developmental stages, even before birth. Two additional books are slated to follow.
