When none of the girls in 10-year-old Mackenzie Moretter‘s class wanted to attend her party last Saturday, April 18th, about 400 kind-hearted strangers on Facebook did so. And the mayor of Shakopee, Minnesota, where Mackenzie lives, even declared April 18th “Mackenzie Moretter Day” to celebrate the girl, who was born with a genetic disorder, Sotos syndrome, which causes developmental delays in speech and learning.

To date, Mackenzie has received an outpouring of support and birthday wishes via comments on her Facebook page, from as far away as Sri Lanka and India. Anyone wanting to support Mackenzie and help stop bullying can use the hashtag #BeKindAndCourageous. Not every child who is left out or bullied at school, though, is lucky enough to experience such an outpouring of support. And if your son or daughter is feeling social rejection as a kid or teen, it may put him or her at risk for other issues later.

“All children want to be liked, all children want to be accepted and all children want to have friends, [so] when, for whatever reason, a child is lonely and isolated, it can create anxiety and emotional stress,” says Gail Gross, PhD, EdD, a nationally-recognized expert on children and family relationships.

“Children who have been bullied, or who bully others, are at increased risk, both immediately and later, for mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, suicidality, eating disorders, [post-traumatic stress disorder] and substance abuse,” confirms Marlene Seltzer, MD, medical director of Beaumont Children’s Hospital’s NoBLE program in Royal Oak, Michigan. The name of the program stands for “No Bullying; Live Empowered” and is one of the only hospital-based anti-bullying programs in the country. “There is a concern that youth who have been mistreated, who feel friendless and/or worthless will self-medicate to dull the pain,” using drugs, alcohol or compulsive behavior in an effort to feel better, notes Dr. Seltzer.

Who Gets Bullied?

According to Seltzer, 23% of children in fourth to sixth grades have been bullied. Here are some facts about who feels the sting of rejection most often when young:

• Appearance is the most common reason for being bullying, as is having a developmental disability.
• It’s thought that half of kids diagnosed with autism are bullied, but the number may be much higher.
• Kids and teens who have been both bullied and have bullied others are at the greatest risk of experiencing mental health issues.

“It’s well-known that bullying behavior seriously affects a child’s psychological and social development, schoolwork and overall health, both short-term and long-term,” says Seltzer. “We read far too often how bullying can lead to suicide and we have to keep searching for new ways to intervene before that happens.” Beaumont’s NoBLE program has teamed with the Oakland Mediation Center in Bloomfield Hills to create mediation programs for parents and schools to resolve issues related to bullying.

How to Help Your Child Connect

If your child isn’t fitting in socially – even if there’s no apparent bullying – it’s time to help your son or daughter foster friendships, experts say. “Learning to make friends is one of the most important skills your child can learn; [it] will benefit him throughout his entire life,” Dr. Gross says. “Having close friends has been known to help people live longer, happier lives. Not all children are innately socially adept; some children who may be shy or have behavioral disorders such as ADHD may need additional assistance in learning age-appropriate social skills. However, all kids, but especially young and school-age children, can benefit from their parents’ guidance in the friend-making department.” Here are her tips:

• Host one-on-one playdates. Invite a neighborhood kid over to your house for an afternoon of arts and crafts, playing dolls or playing in the backyard. Take a trip to the library or museum with your child and invite a mom or dad who’s a friend and her child of a similar age to join you. One-on-one playdates are the best opportunities for bonding and shared experiences that your child can build on when they’re in school.
• Teach children how to have conversations that lead to connections. Just like adults, kids can sometimes use icebreakers before a social situation to help them connect with another child. Some questions younger child can ask are, “What’s your favorite color?” or “What books do you like to read?” When this technique is used from a young age it helps kids make specific connections with others through shared interests and experiences, plus it teaches the importance of being a good listener.
• Help your children find group activities that interest them. Does your child like to sing or paint? Is she really into sports? Or maybe he loves to paint or draw. Engaging with others at a club, camp or class where other children share the same interests or talents makes it a lot easier to fit in. Children like sameness and you can help them feel comfortable by creating situations in which they have the chance to more effortlessly interact with kids who have similar likes. Look, too, for social opportunities outside the norm, such as 4-H; your animal-loving child may just might find better friend opportunities there.
• Listen and observe, especially if you have a particularly anxious kid. This child needs more time to rehearse and practice what they might say in social situations. Doing so in a safe environment will help your son or daughter learn social cues, as well as age-appropriate social skills. Also, impulse control and empathy can be taught to children; these strategies can help your child relate to his peers in a positive way, especially if you feel he’s losing out on friendships because he doesn’t take the feelings of other kids into account.

“You have to know how to be a friend in order to have a friend,” notes Gross. “As parents, we can help our children understand what it is to be a friend. It is our job to teach them about the importance of relationships … so that they can learn to build meaningful friendships throughout their lifetime.” That’s exactly what Mackenzie Moretter’s family did when they turned to Facebook to ensure their daughter wasn’t alone on her birthday. After all, we all need a little help from our friends – and a few hundred of their friends doesn’t hurt either. Jenny Moretter, Mackenzie’s mother, says, “It’s the next generation of children that will change the world. It’s not just about special needs children; it’s about all children who are left alone and just want a friend.”

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